mood: lost in thought music: beauty in the breakdown

emo song of the week
your gonna die
you can weep and moan
and bitch and cry
but, your gonna die
one day youll wake up
and you think it was all a lie
because, one day
your gonna die

i have to stop doing this. really, makeing an ass of myself = no fun, though i dont really care right now. so i wont let it bother me, though i doubt it will in the long run. what a great night. i did have a wonderful night, and i not wonderful night, im not sure so put a hold on the sarcasm until im sure. its funny how when people are drunk they do the things they've been begging themselves to do all their lives. its interesting and sad and confusing all in one. we're all living these multiple lives, which one are you living right now? im going to fall and im indifferant if anyone joins me. ill laugh at myself while everyone else is cursing and im just going to, breathe? with much thought and a generally calm ending

-sam-

mood: edgy music: twisted nerve - bernard herrman

full moon in three days, and last night black rain
in deafening sheets all round whateversleep i got
through utm rags of dreams - each a flash of you:
outside, unsheilded, upright in the roar
on the dam of the pond in phosphorous glare,
both arms at your sides, palms curled toward me
(stronyium chunks), face blank as bread but fixed
on mine with lidless eyes
                              this morning, calm-
pond at bankful, the creek a torrent-
i grope toward day, shinned as any drowned rock.
no way to know if i've prophesied, seen, or staged
the millionth tableau of punctive dread-
me flailing me for excess joy
in my old toy theater, endless night-court.
-flood
-reynolds price

going to stomp today, then a party. should be enjoyable. hopefully something to take the edge off.
feeling better, just tense.

mood: wanting music: i could die for you - rhcp

last entry

there comes that day when
you grab your umbrella and
you crawl out of your tub
,all full of your bath toys,
rubber duckie and the water
gun, and you say, "ok"
so you grab the edge and you
start to pull yourself out that window
into that blank space
all ready. nice and clean,
you leave your aquaruim
clean and sleek, like a seal
, umbrella in hand, just in case.
do you think you've forgotten something?
you have all you'll ever need

im ready to fall. just disappear and never think abut climbing. just to. let go. will you let go with me. into blank space, so clean, so right. and everything there is blinding, because sight is nothing new. only an old cliche'. no needs. only empty, in a not so bad sort of way. free. who will fall with me? join me and lets live in bliss. just for a while. as long as it will possibly last. over here its one way or anouther, be numb or feel, instead just let go. and everything can be fine, if we jsut forget and be free. fall with me?

-sam-

i think ive said all i need for now

mood: congealed music: dont forget me - rhcp

I'm an ocean in your bedroom
Make you feel warm
Make you want to re-assume
Now we know it all for sure

I'm a dance hall dirty breakbeat
Make the snow fall
Up from underneath your feet
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

I'm a meth lab first rehab
Take it all off
And step inside the running cab
There's a love that knows the way

I'm the rainbow in your jail cell
All the memories of
Everything you've ever smelled
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend
Don't forget me
I can't hide it
Come again make me excited

I'm an inbred and a pothead
Two legs that you spread
Inside the tool shed
Now we know it all for sure

I could show you
To the free field
Overcome and more
Will always be revealed
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend
Don't forget me
I can't hide it
Come again get me excited

I'm the bloodstain
On your shirt sleeve
Coming down and more are coming to believe
Now we know it all for sure

Make the hair stand
Up on your arm
Teach you how to dance
Inside the funny farm
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

-redhotchilipeppers

o lets all dance. i still feel playful. so lets dance
-sam-

mood: depressed music: 11am - incubus

could you honestly say i dont know the real meaning of it all. 'you dont feel, like i feel'. i think we're all jsut human. and we are way to desperate for a break. funny expression that is. when a break is what we are afraid of in the first place. but yet we call a breather a break. and a disaster a break. well im home. wasted 3 days. but im home

-sam-

mood: scaley

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.

For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave.
-pf-

o pretty, pretty. wind chimes and open plains. would life be any better then standing alone? i want to never miss home. but ive taken along my family photo album and the pictures are skreaking. telling me. 'out!' we need out. this fog ridden plain expands some more. they laugh, 'did you think going home was an option?'. no, i guess. no i know. no, i wont do either. dusty stairs leading to no house. the stairway has no complex end. empty space to hang by. aren't we all hanging by empty space anyway, anyway? empty stares. floating space. this look is going nowhere. this new trend towards the mundane, or the morbid, the self inflicted mutilation. but we're not here for the fad. we are here to claim our own, this is our spot and we are not moving. move me? ok. i wish so. fishes and wishes. if wishs were fishs we'd all be on dishs. we'd be eaten. but isnt being free being part of someone else? save me? o well, we're all hanging by empty space anyway. anyway?
-sam-

mood: strangely playful music: backdrifts - radiohead

Backdrifts
We're rotten fruit
We're damaged goods
What the hell, we've got nothing more to lose
One gust and we will probably crumble
We're backdrifters

This far but no further
I'm hanging off a branch
I'm teetering on the brink
Oh honey sweet
So full of sleep
I'm backsliding

You fell into our arms
You fell into our arms
We tried but there was nothing we could do
Nothing we could do

All evidence has been buried
All tapes have been erased
But your footsteps give you away
So you're backtracking

Ah ah ah
You fell into our arms
You fell into our arms
We tried but there was nothing we could do
Nothing we could do
You fell into our, ah
You fell into a

We're rotten fruit
We're damaged goods
What the hell, we've got nothing more to lose
One gust and we will probably crumble
We're backdrifters

mood: mellow music: meiko kaji - the flower of carnage

on the days
   the sun does rise
starfruit melody
   across the citrus burst skies
i'll recheck my inner workings
rejuice my orange wheel cogs
and
   i'll be off

leaving the atmosphere
   blueberry spread clouds
breaking through the stratophere
   never looking down

tiny world below
   turning on a stick
rotton, green grape
   'vainy' intricate map
fault lines snapping
cracks so ready to pop
i'll recheck my inner workings
rejuice my orange wheel cogs
and
   i'll be off
   
up here, up here
all day can be spent
   floating alone

-sam-

happy birthday gooby

mood: awake music: blister - olp

i want to let you feel my spine bend
i want you to feel my back curve and snap
i want to let you know that you are strong

qagos - 'fuck you?' as in 'am i supposed to take insult and retalliate?'

Lately I can't breathe
Waiting they're chasing me
No one listens but I'm OK with it (don't touch me)
Only I wonder why
If only my hands weren't tied
The world's a blister
But I'm OK with it (don't trust me)
What if I was there
What if I was scared
I'm waiting for...
They're at my door
But I'll be back again
Lonely, I'm wandering
Patrolling for enemies
No one listens but I'm ok with

im becoming dillusional with how little im sleeping now. this is not good. school is starting and i cant see strait. no sturdy condors and walking the bold written line for me. my eyes are falling out.   -sam-

what are we all doing to ourselves. all i can see are people falling apart. all i smell is the fresh blood of cut wrists, all i hear are so many desperate crys and i dont feel anything at all. everyone is falling apart, the seams are being undone. i cant bear it.  its as if we want this drama. (we create it) we want this pain. because with this pain we have something to do. we can feel and we feel destruction, i livens us. destruction. (we create it)  we're destroying ourselves and everyone around us, me included.  what was that fight club quote? 'we have front row seats to this theater of mass destruction'. so true. sit back enjoy the show, we're acting and watching, and reveiwing. we're tearing our selves apart and who is going to save us? we've asked for it. (we create it)
-sam-

Mexico
You could see me reaching
So why couldn't you have met me half way?
You could see me bleeding
And you would not put pressure on the wound
You only think about yourself...you only think about yourself
You better bend before I go
On the next train to Mexico
You could see my breathing
But you still kept your hand over my mouth
You could feel me seething
But you just turned your nose up in the air
You only think about yourself...you only think about yourself
You better bend before I go
On the next train to Mexico

mood: distorted music: eclipse - pink floyd

sky dark (to E.R.P.)

this sun, that raised your entire skin
to the winey pitch of Cordovan hides,
would flatten me with papules, welts
(skin loathsome as any scapegoat's driven
Dead Seaward with pustular welts and boils)

now you wait out your twenty-second year
in tepid velvet grave-deep dark-
your leather lips still curled in rictus-
and i still huddle up here, surviving
in the safe cool shade of memory and eaves
-Reynolds Price-

im sorry yes. but i do not care enough to bother
its not worth the discomfort. i refuse to beg anymore.
'and i used to be such a nice guy'
-jack
-fight club

-sam-

mood: calm music: fallow - fiction plane

and so long as the sky stays gray. i will tred upon the grass, this grass which is only  this bright when there is no blue sky...when there is nothing to hinder it, and i will lay down. sink into the moist soil, saturated from rain, so wet, ill sink. sink until i disapear beneath the ground. buried by choice, buried in the apiphany of happiness. i will stare at that wonderfully moody gray sky, be swallowed by its size, its texture, as in reality i am being swallowed by the dirt. but ill let my mind beleive that its really the sky, that morose cloudy sky over my head that is taking me in. i will beleive this as the grains of dirt start to drop over my eyes, and a worm slides across my neck, if he were sharp, he would slit it, just that right spot. this worm is so cool and smooth that it feels that way, he feels like a knife, but i feel no sting. i do not sense that pins and needles feeling i get from a smooth edged blade and there for i know what is going on. just a worm. though wouldnt it be romantically/morbidly/sooo 'gothicly' beautyful if he was a knife. or just one very sharp worm, and he did slit my throat. then i could sink down into the earth polluting it all the way, making my stain and gasping for breath, o how cliche'. no that is not what i want. this way it is clean, and pure. the rain is starting again, and it adds to the speed of the uncut grass and dirt seeping up around me. it smells fresh, only the good rain smells this way. like nothing at all. not fish, or asfalt, or salt, or water. this is the only way rain should ever be, and imagine it. here. for me. pitter patter, across my face. the feeling to sing an age old song does not swell within my chest or my thoughts, only quiet appercation, for this perfect event. i intend to remain here forever. to sink and disappear in a perfect, though lonely moment. this is my success. i am happy. i am. i am. i am. and so long as this sky stays gray. i can see the brigthness of every other underapreciated colour

-sam- 

mood: indifferent music: you know your right - nirvana

i am  febuary days, sitting on the porch
during the week, i am  wednesdays outside, on my way home
if you are awake at  4 am, thats me
in outer space i am neptune
look southeast, and there i am
in the house i am a rug
running down the sides of the glass i am water
standing in the back yard i am a red oak
in spring, with the flowers i am  a white oleander
as far as weather goes, i am  cold, and crisp
in times of mythicl creatures i am the siren
if needed to be played, i am  a guitar
when taking on color i am: gray
i am the blank emotions streaming through the brain
i am a necturine
when i make noise i am  the exhale of ciggerrette smoke
on 4 wheels i am an old beat up truck
musically put i am  blister by our lady peace
if lititure was my bones i am written by chuck pahulnick
if looking for me, i am: the stoop of the porch
if you were to make clothing out of me, i am cotton
i am the taste of  ciggerrettes and gum
i am the scent of the shower, dial, dove, ivory
i am :wide staring  eyes
in geomertrical matters i am: a collapsed circle
i'll forever be a button

-sam-

mood: depressed music: mutilated lips - ween

you know what. i hate myself right now. the things i never said
haunt me.
this cigerrette is burning out
this empty shell is running down
.the alley.

Mutilated lips give a kiss on the wrist
Of the worm like tips of tentacles expanding
In my mind, I'm fine, accepting only fresh brine
You can get another drop of this, yeah you wish...

nothing